Mornings I generally wake up in a good mood. I drink coffee, pet my cat, talk to my husband, eat breakfast and start my day. Last week, before I finished my first cup of coffee, my cardiologist called requesting my presence ASAP.
Off I went, tests were run, adjustments were made, tentative reassurances were given, and I was sent home, told to return after a week to see if things improved. It was disconcerting, to say the least.
I thought I was taking it all in stride but found myself anxious; morning thoughts morphing to past hurts, regrets and unresolved resentments. Negativity was hanging in the air. I was unhappy and decided to attempt an honest look at the things causing my pain.
As I examined my unchangeable past, I remembered a cousin’s advice given to me back in the 1990s. At that time, I was in another anxiety-ridden situation. I was in the throes of work and child raising while also trying to meet the needs of my 75- miles -away parents whose health was declining. I was tired and worried that nobody was receiving the attention they needed.
During a phone call, my cousin who had faced these same issues, told me to remember I was doing the best I could, with the knowledge I had at the time, and considering where I was in my life then. That advice gave me comfort and as I recalled that advice again, I began to untangle my sad thoughts.
To first give oneself grace opens a breathing space to look more closely at a hurt, a regret, an unresolved issue. Yes, my response was based upon the information I had and that knowledge allows me to look at other aspects from which I might learn.
Was I too critical of myself? Are there lessons to be learned from those experiences and if so, how can I apply those lessons for a better future? Why was I hurt about something, and more importantly, do I truly want to hold on to the hurt I felt at that time? After all, it is in the past.
A friend and I frequently exchange problems back and forth. I tell her to think about how she would look at the situation if it was happening to another person. She would be less critical of others, more accepting, more understanding. Why not apply that to oneself?
This week’s cardiologist visit was positive, the changes made have given me my energy back and with movement comes good endorphins which in turn make me feel better. A weight has been lifted, at least until the next big event.
My hope is that next time dreadful, sad thoughts fill my head, I’ll once again remember my cousin’s advice. After all, kindness to oneself surely helps one along the path to serenity.
Cindy Arp, teacher/librarian, retired from Knox County Schools. She and husband Dan live in Heiskell.
